The First Real Hurt

Thursdays is Japanese playgroup day. This is baby girl's favorite play time. She knows the layout of the building very well now and is very comfortable with all the people. She always thinks everyone loves her and is there to talk to her and give her snacks . There is a toy here in the playgroup that she loves so very much. It's a toy stroller for a doll. She holds it by the handles and drives all over the place at full run, better get out of her way!

I was excited today because Daddy was going to join us at playgroup and watch baby girl for awhile at play in her element. My friend's husband, Aki, was also on hand. Today's playgroup theme was "Boy's Day" so everyone was decorating. Baby girl was in a great mood, zooming here and there with her stroller. so cute! She made it out the front door and into the parking lot. There is a small plot in the middle full of rose bushes but other than that it's basically a blacktop lot. Baby girl likes to go out and run up to the gate fronting the street then back to the playgroup entrance. When she was out in the yard her friend came with another doll stroller and they were happily rattling around.

I was walking right behind her as she pushed her stroller and suddenly she Fell. she fell hard. the doll stroller went whizzing out from under her. Her cry echoed on the walls of the church magnifying it. I picked her up and held her thinking that she was frightened from her fall. I held her and then I realized her crying was frantic and terrified and it wasn't lessening. I held her away from me and realized for the first time there was blood streaming from her hand. This is a moment a mother never wants to have happen. It all hits you in a flash "my child is hurt" then there is the panicky "what do I do?"

I immediately scanned the yard for help and spotted Aki, I cried out to him "she is bleeding, help me!" which he ran right over and we brought her into the main playroom and I asked the playgroup operators if they had a first aid kid (remember, I still dont really know what to do, but it sounded like a start) while they were looking for it I took Baby girl in the bathroom and rinsed her hand gently. The blood just didn't stop. I couldn't tell through all the blood but it looked like she ripped off her whole fingernail for starters.

Outside the bathroom, they brought the first aid kit to me and there was barely anything in it. the bandaids wouldnt stick to her fingers through all the blood and there wasnt any antibiotic. They ran her hand again under the cold tap in the break room and she began to scream again. All the other mothers hovered around trying to help but it more made me start to panic. I dialed Taka and told him to get there as fast as he could and right in the middle of talking to him I started to cry and couldnt continue. Handed the phone off to Sakura and just held baby girl as tightly as I could. For a moment, I shut down. This is not the way I pictured our first emergency. I think I knew in my heart that it wasnt life or death but still the blood of your child is frightening. The pain and fear in her that I couldnt lessen was overwhelming. We took her outside to wait for daddy and Aki held her hand up and put pressure on it. A bunch of the other mothers donated snacks to her to keep her calm. Even when in pain, Baby girl loves her snacks.

Daddy showed up and as usual, he brings the calm. We drove straight to the doctor and found out that she did rip off her fingernail, another finger has a terrible deep bruise and the nail was separating, she had a scraped finger and split lip. All this from just tripping with a baby doll stroller. I still can't figure out how she hurt herself so badly. I was standing right behind her and saw the whole thing.

Took her home and gave her some pain medicine and put her to bed to sleep a little. I sat on the couch and tried to figure out if there was anything I could have done to stop it from happening. Should I have let her wear different pants? Should I have not let her go outside? Should I have not let her play with the doll stroller? It went around in circles in my head. Taka told me that these things happen and having a child means having to deal with them. There was nothing I could have done, he said, and in the future she will most likely be hurt worse so I need to learn to deal with it and not panic. I know it wasn't the worse thing that could happen, but it was bad for me, bad for my vision of myself as a mother.